ashleysexypants

sick of this shit

2008-03-04T02:12:54Z

im bored
sooooo bored
i cant stand being bored.
It makes me hate myself even more then i already do.

Frig i want out of this house, i want to move out.
I hate when people give me ideas and then i know i have to wait an eternity for it.
I hate waiting,
sooooo much.

I want to live somewhere else, i want to do it soon.
sure my mom thinks im a whore for doing it.
sure she has no respect for me, or the way i want to live me life.
ya, ok so shes trying to take things away from me to make up for me leaving.

she doesnt understand that by the time i probably get out, that i wont even care anymore,
it wont even be important to me.
I just want to leave, and prove somebody wrong.
I want to prove MYSELF wrong.

I hate having to make people do things to get results, and then STILL not get what i want in the end.
I want to just leave for a few weeks.
My whole life is free, and event-less, whereas everyone else is too busy to even think.
so as a result of that, im bored doing dick all day.

Im so close to just snapoing,
then im gonna just get my ass out of here.
I hate school, i hate this summer coming up, i hate the winter now
Obviously my prozzaks not working,

because i think i might be more depressed now, then i have ever been.
2008- worst year as of yet.

k thnx bi

ashleysexypants @ 2008-03-03T19:16:00

2008-03-04T00:17:04Z

So i wanna move out...
but i cant see it happening as soon as id prefer,
and my mom thinks im a tramp, lol.

basically im in a bad place right now

Lets Do It!

2008-01-07T03:44:54Z

2008Ok, new year, I wanna actually enjoy this one. Im going to make a list of things I'd really like to do this year.
I kinda missed out of some things in the past couple years, so lets hope i can make some of this other stuff happen.
*crosses fingers*

-Go to the Toronto Zoo
-See the Science Centre
-Go to the ROM
-Get a Car
-Get my effin couch!
-Beat Pokemon
-Go on a trip (even a super tiny one) with Toby
-Get Thin
-Go to a party with more then 6 ppl?
-Go to a strip club
-See Jax
-See Si
-Get a new glasses perscription
-Get a Job
-Decide what my next Tat will be
-Convince Toby to actually get a tattoo, and not be a baby
-Watch Beauty and the Beast at least 10 more times
-Buy new wallet, bras, iPod case, tablet, maybe buy memory foam matress
-Have an AMAZING reading week, complete with wicked Valentines day + 3 year anniversary
-Pass 2nd yr.......
Maybe ill think of summore later

kthnxbye

Dear New Years,

2007-12-27T05:11:11Z

Dear New Years,

I would like you to maybe make 2008 better then 2007, because to be honest, this year has sucked major balls. Maybe i could actually get to do things ive been looking forward to, or be taken nice places, or shit maybe even surprised with something for once, rather then me always fucking doing it all the god damn time. Maybe i might actually get mailed back by some of the people ive mailed, although i know that will never happen, because people just dont know how to be thoughtful anymore i guess. Maybe i will actually be treated decently, instead of being used, and asked for shit. Maybe people wont borrow and lose my things, and then not apologies, i think id like that to stop too. Maybe for once in my fucking life ill be able to enjoy a nice nights sleep. Maybe i wont have to always make the first move, or be left to pay someones bill. Maybe someone will actually think of me and call me up to do something, rather then have myself plan shit, and get together with people. Maybe my life will get better, and i can get off my stupid medication. Is it so much to ask to get loved back, and given affection as much as i give it? Can i actually have a day planned by someone else? Next year i would like to be "wowed" by something, because as of right now, nothing has truly impressed me. I would love to have people remember me, and compliment me, but it seems to be such a hard thing to come by now a days. Im also pretty tired of going out of my way for someone, and then never get that same courtesy back. Im tired of pulling teeth to actually get a cuddle or nice kiss. Id like to have a romantic night for once, im kinda tired of listening to the stupid television in the background. I would like the kindness of people to improve, because right now, i feel like im one of the only people who are actually being good to everyone. I have this ability to get screwed over by everyone around me, and every day their seems to be some form of disappointment waiting to crush any spirit i may have left in me.

Maybe you could make this happen in the new year, id really appreciate it.

Happy New Year Everyone.

ashleysexypants @ 2007-11-11T22:33:00

2007-11-12T03:36:07Z

Im happy,
like for the first time in a long long time, i feel good about things. Im stressed from work at school, im tired for little sleep, and im not doing rly well with my grades.....but im happy, like in between these issues, i smile. Its been so long. I joke again with people, i dont care how stupid i act. I dont know if its the drugs, or if its things just getting better, but i feel good, and i missed it.

"The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die." -Renton, Trainspotting

ashleysexypants @ 2007-10-29T10:13:00

2007-10-29T14:12:53Z

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and ur heart is pounding so hard, that you actually are afraid it might burst?

I wonder if it actually could?

Sometime i wish....

My Last Post

2007-09-14T16:36:36Z

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

I guess that'll be all from me, bye.

i link them, so sue me

2007-09-07T02:55:20Z

Its been a long day, and week for that matter. I used to post so people would read it. Now i know that im not heard by others, or really listened to or remembered. Im that friend who talks to you all the time, when you need it, and does things out of their way, because their loyal. But in the end is overlooked, because im not wild or trendy enough. bad friendships, and being used by people has crushed my personality. Im a different person from when i was always cheerful. Maybe i try to hard, or help too much, but how can i go out of my way for so many people, mailing and e-mailing and asking how you are, and get nothing in return.

people are too selfish, and self absorbed. grow up, and think about somebody else for a change. Its a crazy world where the people who really care, end up with the least amount of close friends. Enjoy your stupid friends who wont be there for you when something goes wrong. You people tire me.

1. Honestly, how many people do you have feelings for?
only one

2. Honestly, what colour is your underwear?
at the moment, pink

3. Honestly, what's on your mind?
lil confused and irritated with where i am (in life)

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
um, this

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
on some days, i need people to make me feel good, i cant really do it on my own. Lately if felt very unattractive and disgusting.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
um, i kept toby waiting much too long after class

7. Honestly, do you watch Wild n' Out?
is that porn? and no, i dont, lol

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
id say ya, only because of where my heads at tonight

9. Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
toby, hands down

11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i kinda just wanna sleep, but id prob pick Jax

12. Honestly, do you keep deep secrets?
on occasion, their not really too deep

13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell?
oh, its been some time now, probably a year?

14. Honestly, are you mean?
yes, i have a really nasty side to me, that even makes me scared. i say horrible things sometimes.

15. Honestly, who did you copy and paste this from?
shanna

16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
Scotland, anywhere really, as long as its relatively close to toby

17. Honestly, do you like someone?
um, yah

19. Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you?
goodnight

20. Honestly, who was your last kiss?
tobes

21. Honestly, have you gone out of your way to make a new friend?
not recently, friends have been letting me down lately.

22. Honestly, do you shower?
often, religiously

24. Honestly, what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Just the things i say alone are bad enough i think. I say cruel things, that isnt fair or me.

25. Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
my mom...cuz shes a baby

26. Honestly, do you swear when your mad.
not, just yell, i swear when im frustrated

27. Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
hmmm, i cant really remember when, it had something to do with my relationship and its distance

28. Honestly, have you cried yourself to sleep?
that one time i did yes

29. Honestly, do you still cry when you get an injury?
depends on what it is, normally no, im sure if i lost a leg however, id be crying

31. Honestly, do you like crying?
not really, kinda burns my cheeks

32. Honestly, are you normally a happy person?
i used to be, ive felt differently this year though

33. Honestly, what can make you happy?
tobys silly faces

34. Honestly, does being with your friends make you happy?
yes, but friends have been very selfish lately, and im tired of putting myself out there and getting shit in return. Im given up on those people who forget the only ones who really listen to them. Some people should get over themselves and actually pursue people who give a shit.

35. Honestly, do you believe in yourself ?
since York, hell no.

36. Honestly, are you annoying to people?
hmm, im sure i can be but i would never really say i am, i know when im not wanted or when i overstay my welcome, so i dont think i get annoying.

37. Honestly, is cheating ever acceptable?
No, its called cheating because it shouldnt be happening, if there was a reason for it, then that who you should be with, and it wouldnt be cheating because ud be with only one person.

Summer Summary

2007-08-24T22:06:42Z

Ok so the summer this far...lets see how its gone.
It started ot fucking amazing!

I got my best friend back, i saw my Jax and it totally made me feel 100% better after being bummed from first yr at York.

She was here for a month but it felt like a day, and i miss her madly.

And the summer spiraled from there.
It got so bad, i was flipping out, ive never been so depressed in my life. I couldnt sleep.

So i felt pretty insignificant and emotionally raped.

luckily i got to go to Hawaii. It was a great trips. It had its ups and downs, but it was a really eye opening experience and in all was very important i feel.

If i wasnt including the trip, i would say that this has been one of the worst summers of my entire life. Nothing special happened during it, it was all crummy and depressing.

Sure there were fun days, like tobys birthday, the celtic fair, and family parties. Every other day felt like i was ready to just run away.The trip has happily erased the majority of what has happend prior this summer, so im not as bitter.

Now second year comes...we shall see.

ashleysexypants @ 2007-06-15T08:42:00

2007-06-15T12:53:20Z

My lifes been feeling pretty fake at the moment.
Im actually struggling from day to day, and ive been questioning everything.
Im probably one of the most insecure people in the world, and i hate being forgotten, or ignored.
i used to think i liked being alone, but now it seems to be so much worse then being sick of company. Everyone else's lives seem to be getting better, and i dont feel included in that.
There is so many things about myself that i would do anything to change. I despise my jelousy, it physically destroys me sometimes, where i cant even think clearly. I hate needing to know everything, because i know if i dont find things out, im just going to fill in the blanks with the worst case scenario. Knowing things calms me down, like i umhow have control over things.
Lately i feel like ive been so disconnected with everyone, like ive lost something that kept me interesting. Ive lost my interest in so many things. My favorite foods have lost their flavors. I know as a whole im perfectly fine, but inside i feel so ripped apart.
I wanna be ok again, i want to feel good.
I must be on an emotional nosedive, because no one else seems to be having problems.
I miss goofing around, being serious all the time isnt fun anymore.
Lets hope work will pull me back together.

Michelle

2007-04-10T02:17:27Z

OMG MICHELLE, just do me already? like ive been waiting, so just show me paradise, c'omon!

-_-'

2007-01-24T14:01:05Z

Why do they insist on lecturing DURING construction, in the next room? "the drapery of the torso on Gihavertis...*BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ* making this peice Neo Classical.

GAY to the power of 4

ashleysexypants @ 2006-10-24T22:10:00

2006-10-25T02:10:28Z

LETS ALL LOVE MY NEW ICON!

ashleysexypants @ 2006-10-22T11:25:00

2006-10-22T15:28:12Z

Lately i have been super confused,
to the point where my head actually hurts from thinking about things.

I think finally i have everything sorted out,
im at peace in the place inside me that needs to relax.

I can sleep again,
Im smiling again and generally enjoying most of my time.

You have no idea how much i missed that.

ashleysexypants @ 2006-10-11T11:18:00

2006-10-11T15:20:16Z

Posting from the York U. computers. Skipped half of class because it was lame...

I hate all the books i have to look up, and i havnt been sleeping...

Seriously, at all, its driving me nuts.

I want to find some nice drugs and slow things down.

ashleysexypants @ 2006-10-02T21:57:00

2006-10-03T01:58:17Z

I think all girls want those fairy tale romances. I want to be one of those princesses from the movies.

ashleysexypants @ 2006-09-06T20:05:00

2006-09-07T00:05:45Z

Im pretty much hopeless

ashleysexypants @ 2006-08-07T22:45:00

2006-08-08T02:45:49Z

Muse Concert rocked!

Seriously my best memeory ever

Even tho i blacked out in the mosh,

and had to be dragged out,

IT KICKED ASS!

I love Muse so effing much.

Thursday i leave with Tobys family to the Carribean,

I cant describe how perfect this summer is,

I am the luckiest person ever.

*blows kissies*

Im out,

ps. I miss you Jax SO much

Map Of The Problematique - Muse

2006-07-16T18:47:54Z

Fear and panic in the air
I want to be free
From desolation and despair
And I feel like everything I see
Is being swept away
And I refuse to let you go

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

Life
The World Flashed Before My Eyes
So Scared To Loose
I Want To Touch The Other Side
And No one thinks they are to blame
Why can't we see
When we bleed we bleed the same

I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?

--My Favorite Track On Black Holes & Revelations

ashleysexypants @ 2006-05-12T23:05:00

2006-05-13T03:09:57Z

OMG

tonight was so damn boring...

did homework...

got bord, biked for an hour...

got sweaty, and had a bath...

and played with some dinosaur toys btw...

then watched AFV's...

Thankyou baby for making my night so much better, you rescused me from insanity

if you hadnt been home tonight, i woulda died.

*huggies and kissies*

I cant wait to see you sexyness!

(my night kicked ass at the end, so ya know)

ashleysexypants @ 2006-05-09T19:47:00

2006-05-09T23:47:46Z

Im in a very **blah** mood tonight,
im not sad, but im not happy or excited or anything.
I really wish i could have gone to that cottage,
Im not too good at handeling let downs.

I have alot of work to do in school,
but none of it is due too recently, so im not doing it.
I kinda feel like ive beenabandoned for some reason?
I dont know why.
Ive been bikeing like a mo-fo recently.
I bike when i cant think of what else to do.

I miss swimming.
Im fidgiting because of it.
This weekend and upcoming week will be the longest in the world.

I kinda want to move,
Im tired of never changing anything.

*sigh*

Hugs anyone?

ashleysexypants @ 2006-05-08T21:10:00

2006-05-09T01:10:41Z

Toby, cover your bum

ashleysexypants @ 2006-04-23T20:41:00

2006-04-24T00:42:58Z

I'd like to make a little shout out... of Fuck You
Yeah, that's about it.

ashleysexypants @ 2006-04-05T17:41:00

2006-04-05T21:45:25Z

This is my To-Do list for the nexy couple weeks

-Scrapbook
-History Unit Test
-History Project
-Projection Project
-Sign Painted
-Boards for Athletic Team Painted
-LOTRs Play
-Tatse of Chaos Tour
-Death Cab Concert
-Passport Picture
-Three Gorges Presentation
-Three Gorges Essay

wish me luck :)

GIANT sigh of releif

2006-04-03T19:28:07Z

York University
Application Status

Program
Faculty Of Fine Arts, B.F.A., Spec. Hons. Visual Arts

Session
Fall/Winter 2006

Decision
Admitted

OCAD
Ashley Gilkes

OCAD Id Number: 2264687

Dear Ashley :

Congratulations! Your portfolio presentation was strong and your application for admission to the Ontario College of Art & Design has been successful. On behalf of the University, I am delighted to extend the offer of admission to the first year, Bachelor of Fine Art program in the Faculty of Art.

omg, ive never been happier...seriously!